entre nous

5am

2009-05-28T04:42:00.010-04:00

Letting go is a funny thing in that it feels a lot like giving up. It's different, for certain, but it feels much the same-especially when that which you are letting go took years to build. Even the term "letting go" implies some sort of release/relief from a necessary excision. In reality, it feels more like an amputation- and leaves just about as much scarring. I guess all you can do is hope that, for every scar, there is a lesson learned- expect respect, don't give more of yourself to someone than they're willing to give, allow yourself the same second chances you allow others- and request them in return.
I guess you just hope that you walk away better than you started because, after all, it's easier to let go if this thing has fulfilled its purpose. There's something buried deep within us that believes that if something has done only a little good, it might be worth the trauma/pain/destruction left in its wake- that the meaning of a thing (symbolism) is worth more than the thing itself. In sociology, we call it symbolic interactionism...but I digress.
So, letting go is a lot like giving up after all. It's giving up once you've done everything to salvage it, but to no avail-- once you've moved beyond the anger and the guilt. It's not forgetting what once was but understanding that this is the way things are. It's wishing things could be different but knowing that they probably won't be.

The really awful thing is that, any way you look at it, it sucks.

Food for Thought

2009-05-06T05:14:00.032-04:00

You know, the thing about self-righteousness is that it leaves you in a constant state of bitterness and disappointment; you always feel as though you haven't gotten what you deserve. Actually, that's true- you haven't, but you should probably be glad about it.

So stop your whining.

Andrea Needs...

2009-02-15T00:04:00.005-05:00

Anyone who spends enough time in cyber space is bound to, at some point, come to the end of the internet. Today, I did just that. In my frantic attempt to entertain myself for 8 hours, I came across an interesting relative of the "25 random things about me" survey which recently ravaged facebook. For this one, you go to google and type in "(your first name) needs" and record whatever ensues. I'm going to attempt to merge the activity and an update of the last month. Here we go.

Andrea needs...

1. ...some help finding stalker songs.

Today I met a man who calls himself "Fast Freddy." Fast Freddy was a 50 y/o dressed in a bright yellow track suit reeking of alcohol. He asked only 2 questions: "Are you married?" and "Can you get pregnant?" Really. I tried to end the conversation quickly, but failed to do so before he told me 4 times how pretty I was. And, to think, I'd resigned to spending another Valentine's Day alone.

2. ...to learn to pick her battles.

Enough said.

3. ...no siblings.

At first I thought this one was just funny, but then I remembered a story that applies. Right before Christmas, my mom called and told Kasey and I that she was seriously considering adopting a 9 mth. old baby girl. I think she has since decided that she's not going to, but she's still looking into foster parenting which I am very much in favor of. WV is in desperate need of quality foster homes.

4. ... a profession in which she can express her inventive and idealistic side.

When we left off (over a month ago, I know) I was jobless, leaving my newfound autonomy in question and my ego slightly bruised. My job search started with strict standards: "I will only work a job that is related to the very expensive education that I will be paying off for the next 10 years." Gradually, my standards turned into something more like guidelines, suggestions, and eventually a distant desperate cry. After countless e-mail correspondences and resume submissions (and a month of being entirely without income), I got the first position I had applied for (you know, back when I had standards). Needless to say, I was thrilled. I've been there for about a month and, so far, I'm really happy with what I do. I finally feel like I'm getting paid to actually do something. Plus, when I explain it to people it sounds very impressive; that's important to me.

5. ...to be promoted to Commodore Andrea.

Truth.

6. ...to take her game to a whole new level.

I disagree- my game is just fine where it is.

7 ...to be right where she is for now.

So, remember all those times I said I was absolutely not staying in Morgantown for one more second than was absolutely necessary? I am SO eating my words right now. It looks as though I will be here for another year (at least). The financial setback resulting from my unemployment fiasco has made it all but impossible for me to move anywhere even remotely desirable. So, I'm staying put for a while. I feel ok about the decision, but I've needed basically constant reassurance that it was the right decision. In reality I know it was the best career decision I could've made. I'm just not so sure about it's effect on my mental health. One day at a time.

8. ...to find a veterinarian comfortable with working with hedgehogs.

9. ...to have something in reserve for those unexpected emergencies.

One cold snowy Thursday morning, I returned to my car after Bible study to find my car significantly damaged, but definitely drivable. At Christmas, I took it in for what was supposed to be 5 days. After a week of not hearing anything, I called to inquire about the condition of my beloved Heidi and was informed that she was totaled. This came just one day after the news that I had finally gotten a job. So, there I was with a job to do and no way to get there. I spent a week frantically car shopping, but to no avail. Just as I was approaching wits' end, I found a car I love for a price I could afford. It is easily the nicest car I have ever owned. Kasey calls it my yuppy-mobile. I'd say that's about accurate, but I'm not ashamed. Despite adamant counsel in opposition, I did name my car. His name is Sven and we're very happy together.

10. ...a drink.

See #7.

Ciao, amici.

To Forward Motion

2009-01-01T02:04:00.010-05:00

Everyone blogs on New Year's Eve. Everyone. Non-conformist such as I am, I had resolved not to do so. In my defense, it's actually New Year's Day, but I won't argue semantics. The truth is, I gave in. I don't even have anything particularly earth-shattering to post. I just lack any better way to spend my time (save sleeping, which I am currently unable to do).

So, in the interest of keeping your interest, faithful reader(s), I won't recap 2008. Though, if I did, I'd probably tell you all about graduating, becoming an adult, new pets, an amazing summer, and traveling to the hometown of James B. Dean. Unfortunately 2008 was not all good, and so I'd also have to recount the loneliness of working night shifts, the alienation of being a non-student in a college town, the recent breakdown of my autonomy, and the persistent longing of this heart to be anywhere but where it is. But, I won't do that; I'm no lemming.

Instead I'll just say farewell, 2008. It's been fun, but I'm not sad to see you go- nothing personal, you understand. It's just that I'm longing for a new adventure and 2009 has promised to deliver (though, I should say, so did you at one time). Things started out well enough, but we both knew it wouldn't last.

Here's to 2008- to growing up, falling down, and growing up some more (repeat ad nauseam), to moving out, moving up, and moving on.

Here's to forward motion.

Ciao, amici.

Consider Yourself Gifted.

2008-12-25T21:35:00.013-05:00

So, unless you thoroughly read my last post, you may have missed the tiny update on my employment status. My autonomous adulthood has hit a snag. I am unemployed. It happens to the best of us, or so I'm told. If only it hadn't happened in the same week as my new computer purchase, rent payment, and first student loan payment- not to mention the whole Christmas gift buying thing. And so begins the job hunt. The upside was that I didn't have to work on Christmas and instead get to spend 2 weeks at my parents' house- pretty decent upside, I think. However, I have had a lot of time on my hands, which means more time to ponder things abstract, ambiguous, and probably irrelevant. But it makes for good blog material.

At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, sitting here amidst a vast array of new excessories (ha), I cannot help but drift to such ponderations annually wrestled by we "enlightened" folk: living in a culture of excess, seeking fulfillment/happiness in possessions, manufacturing sentimentality to increase consumer spending, etc. etc. etc. Worry not, I won't belabor a point that's been well-belabored already.

This Christmas, I'm more interested in the "why." Lately, my wandering mind and abundance of free time have found me in the middle of a few different books. The combination has been interesting and led me down some paths less traveled. One of which is this: I think we've been far too eager to blame our willingness (or perhaps need) to live in such excess on a longing for happiness. I think maybe it's power we're seeking. It's pretty simple, really. "Rich" people have "nice" things. I think we can all agree that we associate the wealthy with the powerful. So, here's what we have: the wealthy have expensive things; the wealthy have power. Thus, power becomes just one more possession unattainable to a lowly proletarian. Ravenous spending, then, is an attempt to purchase power. Of course, if the indoctrination is successful, and we all believe this is possible, then it is possible. Power is real- and has real consequences- when it's perceived as real by one's peers. How unfortunate.

Of course, the Christmas season also sees extreme giving. I'd like to explain it away with altruism, but the cynic in me (which, is the vast majority) would say it is an attempt to gain power over others. It's sort of saying "I have enough, here's some for you." Which seems nice enough, if it weren't for the "but don't forget where it came from" that is most often attached.

In The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer talks about a "tyranny of things" in which we place so much importance on things, that we are no longer the possessor, but the possession. We are had by the very things we enlisted to bring us power. Yet another danger of the belief that power is held by things. I would like to think that an omnipotent creator had made us smarter than to be held captive by inanimate objects, and the truth is that he did. I can't say it as well as Tozer.

"The pronouns `my' and `mine' look innocent enough in print, but their constant and universal use is significant. They express the real nature of the old Adamic man better than a thousand volumes of theology could do. They are verbal symptoms of our deep disease. The roots of our hearts have grown down into things, and we dare not pull up one rootlet lest we die. Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution"

And there you have it, your Christmas diatribe courtesy of yours truly. Consider yourself gifted. Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays).

Buon Natale, amici.

Quick Update and A Healthy Dose of Didacticism

2008-12-18T02:17:00.010-05:00

I'm afraid this will be a bit scattered. With nearly a month on which to update you, my faithful reader(s), there's simply no way to avoid a bit of randomness.

For those of you who've been on the edges of your proverbial seats, my 23rd birthday went off without a hitch- surprises, CiCi's, bowling, friends, and cake. I can think of precious few things that could have made the night more perfect.

I spent Thanksgiving at work, which may sound negative, but I've never been much a fan of Thanksgiving anyway. If you know me at all, I think you'll know why, and if you don't- well, suffice it to say, it seems a miserable holiday all around. We stuff ourselves with more than we need, or even want, to the point of discomfort, while watching gargantuan inflatable likenesses of pop culture icons navigate Manhattan. Just as the football games begin, so do the turkey comas, and we spend the remainder of the day in that awful state halfway between lucidity and insentience- total misery at the hands of our own gluttony. I can think of no better illustration of our culture of mindless excess. All of this to celebrate what? The "noble" Europeans coming together with the "savage" Natives in a "cooperative effort" (make no mistake, those quotation marks are intended). No, thank you. At least there's a dog show.

In more recent news, I got fired this week- sort of. Actually, I was asked to resign. Luckily, I was then granted a reprieve and let off with a very severe slap on the wrist and a stern talking-to. This job has me worn pretty thin, but I am more grateful than I can express to be employed.

*edit* A mere 8 hours later, I was just fired for real. Let the job hunting begin.

I am coming to you, for the first time, from my very own macbook. It's been a very long time since I had a computer of my own at all, and I couldn't be more excited to end the dry spell. Let me just settle one thing: No, I did not buy a mac because it is the "cool artsy thing to do." I'll say only this: stereotypes are grown from a grain of truth, cliches are reasonably thus, and haters wanna hate.

With 7 months(ish) until the big move, I've started looking at apartments and jobs in Chicago- nothing serious yet, just examining the possibilities. The long-term plan is to go back to school, but I'm in no hurry as I am in enough debt already. I'm planning a trip in March to look at apartments, visit prospective employers, and just generally get a better feel for what needs to happen. It's all very exciting- the Windy City is calling my name.

But for now, I am in Morgantown. I'll be spending Christmas here (working) then spending the weekend at home, coming back to work 3 days, and then spending a long weekend with family. So my holiday season is looking like lots of driving back and forth. It's not all bad though, I've got some "rockin" Christmas music and a trusty passenger seat to keep me company. Also, the Christmas season has my wheels turning in a sociological way. Tune in next time for a treatise on the merging of religion and culture and man as his own god.

Ciao

Of Winter in Autumn and Things to Come

2008-11-18T02:48:00.011-05:00

Four years ago, I was sitting in my dorm room at Dadisman Hall. In my hands: a CD burned by a friend for my enjoyment. The artist:David Berkeley. I was instantly awestruck, and have been a huge fan ever since. But, alas, I never made it to see him live. Last Saturday, my favorite local cereal bar hosted a concert by none other than David Berkeley. I literally could not have been more excited. Complete with steel guitar, banjo, harmonica, and trumpet, the show was nothing short of amazing, and I discovered yet another musician (what can I say? I'm a sucker for a singer/songwriter) Peter Bradley Adams. If you haven't heard either, I would strongly suggest you check them out.

Last week, I saw the movie Role Models, and I laughed so hard I almost threw up. Now, if you know me at all, you know I tend to throw that phrase around a lot, but this is no joke. Five minutes in, I was doubled over in laughter and hyperventilating. Yes, the plot is predictable and some of the dialogue a little cheesy, but a few of the characters are undeniably hilarious. However, just because it's a movie with kids does not make it a movie for kids- lots of profanity and general crudeness. Overall grade: B-

Today I left work at midnight to find my car donning a sturdy 2 inch coat of snow (and of course the underlying layer of ice); and me without my ice scraper. Or gloves. Or a coat. Or appropriate footwear. When I saw lightening during a snow storm, I decided the world was actually coming to its end. It was the first snowfall of the year (more than a month before the actual start of Winter), and it was not messing around.

I've been writing again lately. I always find more inspiration in the colder months, or maybe I just find more time in my sweatpants. Some people need a space to write, I require only my sweatpants. A lot of new stuff coming out, and also the coming together of some old stuff revisited. I'm really happy with a lot of it. Perhaps I'll post something soon.

Looking ahead, next Tuesday is my 23rd birthday. Alas, I will be in Morgantown (working) and thus not with my family, but also not with my friends who will (mostly) be at their respective homes enjoying their respective Thanksgiving Breaks with their respective families. Sad, but I guess it's about time to stop making such a big deal of these things anyway. Not that I generally make a big deal of my birthdays; I actually have some of the most notoriously awful birthday stories. All I'm hoping for is to grow a year older without major catastrophic incident. If past experience has taught me anything, It seems that's enough to ask.

So, here's to good music, inspiration, and the passing of years.

Ciao.

The Election in Hindsight

2008-11-06T02:34:00.007-05:00

I held off on blogging about the election for a few reasons. Mostly, I was too disgusted at the unbelievable filth already being published in the blogosphere to risk becoming a part of it.
The thing this election has most shown me is how afraid we are of the different. I don't mean Obama or McCain, but differences in each other. I've been astounded and horrified at the facebook note-comment wars between my friends. There were some truly awful threads of conversation, born simply of the fact that we are unable to grasp the idea of respectful disagreement. To debate the issues is one thing, but it is a differnt beast altogether when you begin to personally attack one another. I'm not one for public shaming, but some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Now, with the election in hindsight, I will say only this: My hope is found not in a politician or in government, but in the promise of a day coming when all things will be restored- not by man, but by a benevolent creator.

I hope you voted, and that you did so in accordance with your conscience. I did.
I hope that, regardless of your political leanings, you will pray for President-elect Obama, and do so earnestly rather than out of simple obligation.
I hope that your ultimate concern is not to be able to say "I told you so," but to see our nation healthy again. And that if that's not true, you'll consider moving to Canada because if there is one thing of which I can assure you, it is that there is no room for division and faction and negativity in the work that lies ahead. Pull yourselves together.

Wow, and I'm not even patriotic.

ciao.

The Ups and (mostly) Downs of Adulthood

2008-10-11T03:08:00.003-04:00

I am exhausted. This week has been the most stressful I've had in a while, and I have neither the time nor the desire to go into detail about any of it right now. I can tell you that this week I was thisclose to being fired twice. Twice. I got pulled over the other night for 3 different offenses- 2 of which are a direct result of both my laziness and "lack" of funds. I was shown mercy and drove off with only a handful of warnings which, by the cops admission, "pretty much mean nothing." I also gave my first interview ever for a friend who is studying social work.

On a (slightly) more serious note, I have never been more ready to move on with my life on so many levels at one time. I am done with Morgantown. I'm finding something strange (though not entirely unexpected) about finishing college. Apparently, when you are done with college, many of your college friends are done with you, as well. I suppose it's a natural growing apart that makes moving on easier. But this, in conjunction with other factors I won't detail, have made me the lonliest poor soul I could imagine. I cannot wait to be the one who gets to go off and start a new life.

I had a few somewhat jarring revelations of faith this week, so look for that to be posted soon. Well, soon-ish. You know me better than that.

Ciao.

A Weekend in the Hinterland

2008-09-29T00:03:00.007-04:00

As you may or may not know, the last couple weeks of my life have been consumed by work and not much else. As a result, I was simply beginning to lose my mind. This weekend I had the opportunity to leave Morgantown, work, and other Motown-related issues behind and spend a few days in the Hinterland.

Friday afternoon we set out, compass pointing west- well, I guess it was north first, then west- for Fairmount, IN. With positively the worst timing I could imagine, we left at rush hour and so got a less than desirable start. With a quick stop in Dayton to complete the group, we arrived at the Story family home in Fairmount around 11.
We only spent one day there, but we made it worth our while. For those of you unaware- which, I'm willing to bet, is all but 3 of you- Fairmount, IN is the hometown of James Dean; so, while there, we took in the annual James Dean Days festival. Relating the whole weekend could take far too long and would likely be quite boring. Let me hit the highlights.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Fairmount is quite a lovely town; this weekend though, it was overrun by tourists (such as myself) and cliche souvenir booths run by individuals with little to no grasp on the English language. Fairmount has 1 stoplight, 1 atm, and is full of pimped out golf carts. Small town America at it's finest. Seriously.
The boys started early with the games trying to win an iguana. By day's end, we had visited the iguana game 3 times, thrown over 100 ping pong balls, and won exactly 0 iguanas. Iguana Fail.
After lunch, we took in the parade which featured all of the ususal suspects- clowns, oversized Shriners on undersized bikes, high school bands, politicians running for "election"- as well as a few characters which set it apart- local church worship bands, a car with only 2 wheels, and a white toyota celica with no explanation. I was rendered speechless.
Back at Casa di Story, we visited with Grandma Story and looked at baby pictures (awesome), and then took a trip down a country road into the Hinterland. Until this summer, I had never seen a cornfield- hard to believe, I know, but true. I had also never seen a stretch of land so flat. I'd been told that, loving the sky as I do, the scenery of the midwest was made for me, and I found that to be true. The whole weekend I found myself lost in the sky and it's sort of nepenthean beauty- simultaneously disquieting and solacing. Just what I needed. We also visited James Dean's grave. It wasn't at all what I'd expected; there was no huge monument or crowd, just your average run-of-the-mill tombstone covered in flowers, pennies, and cigarettes- a fitting (if also feeble) tribute.
That evening we enjoyed a nostalgic ride on the tilt-a-whirl, and a death-defying stint on the (aptly named) "Komicazi." There was also a look-alike contest with no look-alikes and a parade of neon where the most interesting entrant had no neon.
We left Indiana early the next morning and drove to Dayton(ish) for church. I really enjoyed the sermon; my wheels are turning about the larger effects of a youth-centered culture, but I'll have to get back to you on that one. After church, we explored Dayton a bit and , for being a part of a place so dreadful as Ohio, it wasn't half bad. I didn't hate it.
The trip home took literally forever, probably mostly because I didn't really want to leave. I sort of forgot about real life for a couple days, and would happily have put it off for a few more. The weekend away was absolutely what I needed- a weekend in the Hinterland, and it certainly didn't hurt to be reunited with a friend which I've been missing terribly.

It didn't take long for reality to set in. Today I discovered that I need a new tire- I certainly have inherited my parents' luck with automobiles. The next 3 days are jam-packed, and I'm already awaiting the weekend with an excitement usually reserved for winning the lottery or meeting Bono. Ah, adulthood.

Ciao.

Life in Technicolor

2008-09-11T01:40:00.024-04:00

Last weekend, Emily and I spent the evening with the Sheffstall children. That evening, life brought me many moments to which simple words cannot do justice. To that end, this update is brought to you in visual format. This is a small sampling of what transpired.

play dough party

funny face party

dance party

ready for bed

Also last weekend, a dear friend moved away (to the black hole that is Ohio); expressing our collective sentiment: Jaden and Josiah Sheffstall

To those of you wondering what has become of me- I've joined the work force, become an adult, joined the ranks of contributing members of society, acquired a career. Work has kept me busy. In short, it is all-consuming and emotionally exhausting, and I can't imagine anything worth doing that isn't those things.

Also, I took a part-time job working in the nursery at CMA one morning a week; that morning begins in just under 5 hours...

ci vediamo.

Something Old, Something New

2008-08-22T16:27:00.007-04:00

School is back in session, the students are back in full force, and I, more than ever, am reminded of why I need out of this place. I haven't been on time for anything in a week (although, if i were to be honest, I've seldom been punctual in the last 2 years and it's had very little to do with traffic). Don't get me wrong, I'm indescribably happy to have my friends back in town; however, I do not enjoy an average speed of 13mph and a constant fear of striking a distracted pedestrian. Incidently, I also do not enjoy the obligatory conversations about traffic. Come to think of it, I don't enjoy obligatory conversations at all.

The sudden population influx has prompted me to walk whenever possible. However, as of late, walking down High St. has felt more like walking on the surface of the sun. It is ridiculous-hot. That's right: ridiculous-hot. Don't correct my grammar; it's a phrase I made up. That is what sociologists do; I spent good money learning said skill and I will practice it as I see fit.

Two nights ago, I walked into my bedroom to find that I have a new roommate. He has 8 legs and is about the size of a Sacajawea dollar. He seems friendly and keeps mostly to himself. He doesn't take up much space, but his bed takes up just about a whole corner right next to the window. If he sticks around much longer, I'll have to name him. For those of you unaware of my many quirks, I don't kill bugs- especially ones so big I would have to watch them gasp for breath. Lucky for him. I am half-seriously afraid I will awaken one morning bound by a spider web.

So far this week, 5 people have forgotten that I have graduated; this might have been more of a shock were I not regularly mistaken for a teenager anyway. Make no mistake, I am an adult. On September 1, I become a full-time Youth Services Worker employed by Mon County. I've had several revelations of adulthood in these last few months; the most recent was when I realized I couldn't turn down this job on the grounds that it would seriously cripple my social life. Ha. Currently, I am enjoying my last couple weeks of freedom before I become a full-time adult and contributing member of society- whatever that means.

So, to sum up: new students, old friends, record-high temperatures, new roommate, irrational fears, new job, and adulthood.

ci vediamo

Blog by Number

2008-08-05T18:40:00.009-04:00

in my quest to find the most efficient way to bring you, faithful reader, up-to-date, i've decided upon what i will call a Blog-by-Number of my days since last i wrote. just follow me here. i'll warn you, if you intend to read the whole entry in one sitting, you are signing on for the long haul. Why not take a break? stay hydrated and remember to stretch. Here we go.

19 days since my last entry. 2 weeks ago Milo decided to chew through both the computer and phone chargers. it was a sad day for technology in the Baumgartner household...as are most days.

34 hours spent playing Wii Bowling and Mario Kart. ok, the number is a guess- probably an exaggerated one...probably.

7 days spent with my good friend Corrie Reiter who came in from Texas to help with sports camp and camped out on my futon. Her visit included a trip to Swallow Falls, Archie's BBQ, and some Morgantown favorites.

4 days of Sports Camp. i was certainly less than crucial to the process, but i'd like to think i was at least minutely helpful. i assisted in water and lunch runs, distributed food ("cheese or no cheese?" "turkey, ham, or roast beef?" "don't touch that."), and sat around laughing at things that- in reality- were more tragic than they were funny, but mostly i just played with some of my favorite children. all in all, a week well spent.

3 quarts of oil put in my car by yours truly with minimal assistance. I am woman- hear me roar.

12 hours spent on the road somewhere between morgantown and ocean city. 2 trips in 2 consecutive weeks. Met some wonderful new friends, caught up with some old(er) ones, and spent a lot of time in the car.

1524(ish) miles occupying the passenger seat.

2 trips to Ocean City. last friday Corrie, David, and I embarked upon what would be the longest one-day road trip in recent memory. we rose with the sun and arrived in OC around noon. We ate lunch on the boardwalk and I spent a few precious hours catching up with Sarah Johnson while David begged...er, busked on the boardwalk. Some time mid-afternoon, we left Ocean City headed for Westminster where David would play a show at a really cute coffee shop, and i would build the greatest CD castle sculpture the town of Westminster had ever seen. After the show, we quickly departed and arrived in Morgantown just 21.5 hours hence we left it. 9 short days later, I resumed my position in the passenger seat as David and I made a return trip, this time planning to stay a few days to enjoy the beach. Sunday we arrived just in time to lead worship for an awesome concert of prayer on the beach. Monday we slept as late as we could stand and then headed for town. We spent most of the day wandering along the boardwalk and doing not much of anything except, of course, getting the obligatory henna tattoos. That night was take 2 of David Story on the boardwalk- much more successful than the first time; it was like being with a celebrity...sort of. This morning we said farewell to Ocean City and made the trip back home. A whirlwind trip for sure, but a much needed time of conversation and relaxation.

4 death-defying jaunts across the Bay Bridge.

307 Dunkin Donuts sightings between here and OC. This might be an exaggeration, but honestly it might not be.

47 minutes spent pondering just what it is about the beach that allows otherwise decent people to lose their minds entirely and walk around looking absolutely ridiculous.

113- my miraculous high score on our real bowling outing this evening. turns out, in the real world, i'm no match for...well, anyone- except maybe Andrew. i'm a fraud.

31 minutes past bedtime.

13.5 hours until i have to be at work.

2.5 minutes between the time my head will hit my pillow and the time i will enter a blissfully deep (almost atrophic, one might say) sleep. Don't wake me before noon.

Ciao.

Reflections on Growing Up

2008-07-18T02:15:00.000-04:00

During my last year of college, I commented pretty often on how strange it was to feel myself growing up- growing out of the whole college lifestyle. Recently, I've been convinced that that feeling was less growing up than just growing into myself. For a while, I was thoroughly convinced that I knew who I was and how I wanted to live my life. What I'm realizing now is that, over the course of my college career, I went from one extreme to the other on many accounts. Four short years ago, I was shy, reserved, conservative, terrified of confrontation, and entirely unsure of myself, what i believed and what I was passionate about. At some point (if you're curious, I can probably approximate it at your request), I became the Andrea that you have (hopefully) come to know and tolerate. Certainly, good things have come from the transformation, but sometimes I think I've become a sort of caricature of a person- known for speaking my mind and calling people out. I'm afraid I might have become the hostile, militant, confrontational person I never intended to be; I never wanted to be someone whose wrath should be feared. What I have always aspired to is a life entirely overtaken by my passions- avoiding the comparmentalization that has become so prevalent in (and destructive of) American society and allowing every area of my life be affected by the things and people most important to me. I guess the challenge, for me, is in living my life that way while understanding that not everyone lives their lives according to my passions/convictions. Don't get me wrong- I still do not tolerate ignorance, but I'm on the path to finding a balance between an intolerance for injustice/ignorance and just plain intolerance.

The other exaggerated feature in my personality caricature would definitely be my love of the city. Now, I love the city, but I'm discovering that I also love...not-the-city. I think that what I have been interpreting as a desire for something bigger has, in reality, been a desire for something different. I'm finding that I am far more of a nomad than I ever realized- I'm a wanderer. Who knew? It is an understatement to say that I am ready for a new adventure. I have no plans, I am up for anything, and I am more than a little scared of what that means. I was so sure for so long of where I wanted to be, and I'm definitely not ruling it out, but I'm not ruling anything out. Good thing I'm not good at making/keeping plans anyway. I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere specific, but I'll get nowhere by standing still.

In the words of my good friend Norah,

"I put food on the table
And roof overhead
But I'd trade it all tomorrow
For The highway instead."

Updating and Introspection

2008-07-11T20:00:00.004-04:00

Before you say anything, yes I am aware that it has been nearly 2 weeks since I last updated you. I promised to blog- as to the frequency I made no promises.

Firstly, I have a new dog- a puppy, to be exact. He is the current love of my life. Though if he continues to gnaw on my arm, we may have to have a very serious discussion.

I spent the last week helping lead worship at Summit Lake Camp in Maryland. It was a much needed break from work and Motown and all things included therein. I don't know if i adequately conveyed, at the time, how much I enjoyed every part of this week. It has been a long time since I was able to entirely lose myself in worship, and it is a feeling that my heart has missed with an excruciating ache. It has, of course, had less to do with where I've been worshiping and more [everything] to do with the fact that I have been unable [unwilling] to see past myself. The teens did a skit one night that almost literally knocked me on my face- I cried in disgust at my disregard for the provision and redemption of Christ. How quickly we forget that from which we came. I can be so inexcusably ungrateful. I couldn't get over the sky; It was a lot like living in a planetarium. The sky in Morgantown looks flat and blank, but for a few days it held a much lovelier shape and thousands of tiny lights. You might say the constellations had settled in against a deep jazz blue...but if you did, I would promptly make fun of you. I love stars. I met some wonderful people, spent time with some favorites, signed my first autograph, spent time in authentic worship, cried at the realization of my salvation, and saw Sheetz in a whole new light. All in all, a week well spent.

In other news, I have recently noticed a significant overturning of my world as i know it; some of the things i thought i knew about myself have basically gone out the window. I have a new-found fascination with England and a budding desire to spend part of my life there- which is interesting, as it has been the furthest thing from an option at any point in my life. I suppose it's just one more destination to add to the ever-growing list. I have no plans at this point, but I know that my heart is aching for a new adventure. I think i was made to wander (that is, in the nomadic sense), and that is fine by me. Simply put, I am not the me I was when I thought I knew me- but I like this version of myself.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2008-06-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

This morning at church i was chatting with my good friend Ryan (age 9) about being an adult; he provided some interesting insight. Apparently, in order to be an adult, you are supposed to have a boyfriend. In fact, according to Ryan, you are supposed to have a boyfriend in high school.
who knew.
upon discovering that i did not meet the aforementioned prerequisites for adulthood, he submitted that i should get on that.
thanks.